18/5/15

I'm kinda upset that I missed writing a post on the 15/5/15, just, look at that date. It's such a beautiful date, is that a weird thing to say? I don't know, I just know that this particular set of numbers really makes me happy?

I've always had a thing about not liking it when numbers were imbalanced, when I was a child I'd panic if numbers were not even or couldn't be divided by five. I've obviously improved but I still feel happy when numbers are 'balanced' (quotation marks because different people would consider different things balanced).

Some examples of numbers and/or dates that for some reason make me happy:
2, 68, 96, 55, 12, 1986, 24, 10, 1818, 12/12/12, 5/15/5 and the list goes on.

I don't know entirely why I wrote about this, I didn't plan to but this is what ended up happening. Oh well, this is just a small thing so I can continue writing and not feel bad for skipping today.

17/5/15

I started writing an update multiple times but never got around to it. I kept on procrastinating and putting it off. To be frank, the only reason I'm getting around to it is because I'm procrastinating doing all of the things I need to complete (or in some cases, start then complete) for school.

A lot has been going on lately and my stress levels have been through the roof, I cannot accurately describe all that has been going through my head because currently I am rather level minded and disassociated from those problems.

One thing that happened recently, was Mother's Day. I don't enjoy Mother's Day, I don't have a mother to spend the day with and so I retreat to social media only to be bombarded with people celebrating or reprimanding those who are not with their mothers as ungrateful and cruel. I don't find it fair to spread such nonsense. Many people have unhealthy relationships with their parents or their parents abuse them and therefore do not owe their mother and do not have to celebrate or promote their love of their mother. Other's mothers are unwell or have passed away and already feel the loss of their loved one harshly, so pointing it out in such a blatant manner is only hurtful.

I'm not saying celebrating Mother's Day is bad, it is a healthy and good thing to celebrate and give thanks for what you have. Some people just are a little forceful in their judgement on these days and I think it might help if people stop to think about others and about how things may affect them.

14/4/15

Yesterday was going well to start with. I watched a little American Horror Story Asylum, worked on cosplay and cleaned my room a little. But I just felt a but unwell, lost time and was very forgetful and tired.

I felt good during the morning but I ended up having a major mood swing and just feeling horrible for some reason.

I hope that today is better and I can manage to get more done (like my biology assignment, whelp).

I couldn't finish writing this last night because I was too tired and I'm currently not really in the mood for writing anything at all, so for now

12/4/15

I'm back from the camping trip. Freshly showered with chocolate lining my stomach. (It's still the Easter holidays so no one is allowed to pass judgement.)

It was an interesting trip to say to least, and my tiredness and icky feeling in my belly means if I get into stuff that upset me I'd be whining for ages. So lets not do that. I'm trying not to focus on bad things, right? Plus I'm just to tired to rant right now, haha. But just one bad note, it seems the stress and anxiety of the situation has left me very sick and unwell. Which is poopy, to say the least.

Even so I'm really glad that I went since I got to spend basically the whole time with my significant other. Gah, he's so cute. Oh my gosh. We cuddled a lot and acted like stereotypical couples and it was awesome.

We went for a walk along the beach and went stargazing and made silly jokes, hung out, drew in the sand, sat by the camp fire and played pokemon. That part was awesome and makes any bad things worth it.

It's going to be around two months before I can see him again, and that's for my formal. But I ain't complain', things could be worse. For now I shall just lie around in my bed and come to terms with how much time I've spent outdoors and try to counteract that with extra super-dooper laziness. It's a plan.

7/4/15

I think I numbered my last post wrong because I was so out of it. I'm unsure now. I might fix it up later.

I'm going to apologise about posts like that, ones where I'm irrational and confused or hurt.

It embarrasses me. Although I guess the point of this "blog" is to document how I'm feeling each day and a few things that happen. As a way for me to keep track of myself. It doesn't stop me from being embarrassed that someone will read it though, or that they will pass judgement on be based on posts like that - when I'm not myself.

On another note. I did a lot of things today, or at least a lot for me. Which is good, I've been trying to set goals so I can get things done and feel like I've accomplished something during the day. I did the paperwork for my tax file number, tried on shoes for my semi (which was scary because they were heels and I have trouble walking in heels), went shopping, made some Nutella cat-shaped sandwiches, worked on cosplay and packed my bags for my upcoming camping trip.

When I say upcoming, I mean tomorrow.

I'll be away for five days, four nights so I probably won't be able to post anything for a long while. Hopefully though, I will have fun and I'll be able to get over the whole not-liking-camping thing.

(Having brought books and my 3DS may help with that, hehe.)

Well that's it for tonight. I'll continue to try and keep my spirits high, even though that's actually quite a lot of effort. Also, if anyone reads this, I hope that you are having a nice day/night. Whichever is applicable. :)

6/4/15

I'm really not doing well today. Tonight.
Whenever I try to eat I get stabbing pains in my abdomen and everything feels bloated and sore. I only managed one meal today, even though I was trying my hardest to eat. I just couldn't do it through the pain and discomfort.

But to make matters worse I'm having trouble functioning. My hearing is all over the place, I have an itch in the back of my skull that I can't reach and it rings in my ears. I can't focus on anything other than this and the constant need to scratch and scrape.

Honestly, I've worried myself. I'm worried that I may have damaged my hearing while I was trying to scratch and such but I don't know. My grip on reality is so so currently and I can't trust what I'm hearing. Is the ringing real? Is this loss of presentation real? Did I really hurt myself or is it this crushing anxiety and worry that is causing me to believe something is wrong, to think, feel and see something wrong with me.  I keep on thinking I see blood. But there is none. Oh god I'm worried. Is it some sort of metaphor or sick trick that my mind is playing on me. Oh I wish I knew what it was like to trust my own thoughts... my own senses. I hope I haven't hurt myself. My hearing is bad enough as it is and I was trying so hard to stay safe. How can I tell people about this without passing on my panic to them like some sort of curse?

I was trying to look after myself for him.

I hope he isn't disappointed in me.

I hope when I wake I can hear his reassurance with clarity.

5/4/15

It's Easter today (I keep on forgetting this). Mostly because I've kinda been eating chocolate for the last week or so, ha. I look forward to making myself ill, as moderation is not a thing I seem to understand when it comes to food I enjoy. *Flashback to the two pots of macaroni I ate in one sitting*.

On other notes, so far I've been listening to bands my friend has suggested, since he has good music taste and debated the pros and cons of making videos for youtube.

Pros:

• Potentially having a good time
• Getting to express myself
• Meeting new/interesting people
• Maybe even making money off it (very slight chance)

Cons:

• Having to video myself
• Putting effort into it
• The responsibility of regularly uploading videos
• I'd probably stutter a lot and embarrass myself
• My face my voice and me would be visible and subject to judgement
• I'm not interesting so I wouldn't know what to video

With all of that to consider, plus my friends encouraging me to take part in the videoing thing, I still haven't made a clear decision one way or the other. I keep on telling myself I'll make a video today... and then doing nothing about it. So, I guess we will see. I might try to make a video today, but then again, I might not.