6/4/15

I'm really not doing well today. Tonight.
Whenever I try to eat I get stabbing pains in my abdomen and everything feels bloated and sore. I only managed one meal today, even though I was trying my hardest to eat. I just couldn't do it through the pain and discomfort.

But to make matters worse I'm having trouble functioning. My hearing is all over the place, I have an itch in the back of my skull that I can't reach and it rings in my ears. I can't focus on anything other than this and the constant need to scratch and scrape.

Honestly, I've worried myself. I'm worried that I may have damaged my hearing while I was trying to scratch and such but I don't know. My grip on reality is so so currently and I can't trust what I'm hearing. Is the ringing real? Is this loss of presentation real? Did I really hurt myself or is it this crushing anxiety and worry that is causing me to believe something is wrong, to think, feel and see something wrong with me.  I keep on thinking I see blood. But there is none. Oh god I'm worried. Is it some sort of metaphor or sick trick that my mind is playing on me. Oh I wish I knew what it was like to trust my own thoughts... my own senses. I hope I haven't hurt myself. My hearing is bad enough as it is and I was trying so hard to stay safe. How can I tell people about this without passing on my panic to them like some sort of curse?

I was trying to look after myself for him.

I hope he isn't disappointed in me.

I hope when I wake I can hear his reassurance with clarity.